Dear Microscopic Colitis,

 Response to Prompt #22:   Rants and Riffs

By Helen Sadler



Dear (or should I say not so dear) Microscopic Colitis,

We are going on six years, and I feel like you are never going to go away.  I am tired of the urges at night that keep me awake, tired of not being able to enjoy food or wine the way I’d like, tired of the constant fear that I will have an accident in the classroom. And now, more than ever, I notice how you affect my energy level and my will to move my body. Of course, that has been going on for a long time – it is only after being on the steroid and seeing the difference that I become totally unhappy with you.

Sometimes it feels hopeless. After all, by all reports the best I can hope for is remission, or perhaps you will just go away someday.  But I fear you will render me unable to be comfortable in my life.  You will take away from me my ability to earn a living, and that the foods I can eat will continue to be reduced.

Yet, I have withheld my anger from you, and I don’t know why. The only time I got super angry was after the first round of steroids, when I realized you had not really gone away. And then the next round.  And the next.  And that time, I really thought you were gone.  But you returned and took my energy again. Weeks now, I’ve dragged myself to do any little task, could not fully enjoy a weekend with my friends, and even during this spring break I’ve been sluggish from dealing with you.

So, I’m angry.  Yes, I am.  Today I finally realized it was the first step I had to take to actually make this change.  Until I’m willing to see you for exactly what you are, I cannot find the healing path. I know I need to turn this around, and I know you come with a message.  I have only half-listened before. 

I’m listening now.

hms  4/13/17

Dear Helen,

My job is not to give you the message outright.  My job is to gently lead you to your own healing.

For a long time you didn’t believe I could go away.  You were willing to live with me.  I’m glad you now see perhaps it doesn’t have to be that way. Please do not feel guilty for it having taken this long.  Just let it be.

You always have the power to make the changes you need.  Go back on the steroid.  Get acupuncture.  Develop some more nurturing spiritual routines. Get on with your writing projects. You haven’t been too good with that, have you?  Make the decision that feels right in your heart and soul and spirit.

Yoga is there.  And sound healing through music.  Nature. Parts of you aren’t integrated right now.  It doesn’t feel safe.  You can pull it all back together.

Make it safe.

You have the power you need. You have the information you need.  You still have a few days of this break to turn it around – or at least begin to.  Study up. Pray.  Seek answers.

Listen.

Signed,

Your Symptoms, but not the Cause.