The Balance Sheet

Response to  Prompt #53 Getting into or out of the groove

I had already decided to write about this "move" I made a year ago, and then today I realized that more than ever I needed to write it...or something.

How did I know? The Balance Sheet told me!

I spontaneously started this practice last summer, although I don't know exactly when or why.  I just know I began to track my activities to keep myself in balance. At first I called it my "Practices for Soul and Spirit."  But now I think of it more as a way to keep on an even keel.

The way it works is pretty simple. At the top I have the things I do every morning.  I drink coffee and write my Morning Pages.  I have certain prayers and readings I do. I read a poem a day, and write something in response. My physical practice is a series of yoga-related stretches and some arm exercises. This is required every day, and that is why the days of the week are listed.

Healing Practices consists of things like walking, cycling, massages, pedicures -- anything that keeps my body in some kind of shape. Soul Practices are anything I feel that feeds my soul: dinner with friends, podcasts, playing mandolin or guitar, art shows, movies, or concerts. Even putting music on and closing my eyes goes in this category. Anything that grounds me.

Reading Practices is where I keep track of books I read. I note the page I'm on daily, as well as make note on when I finish one. Writing Practices is similar, of course. Whenever I write something original and publish it (that isn't part of my morning routine at top) or work toward a larger project by note-taking, outlining -- all the things writers do to prepare.

Benefits

What I found once I started this is it definitely helps keep me in balance. If I start feeling a little wonky, I look at the page and usually I can see immediately where the issue lies. Perhaps I'm not keeping up with healing practice, or soul practices. It is a reminder immediately that there is a move I can make to help myself.

Today is a case in point. Somehow, starting yesterday, I had a tightening in my chest.  I knew immediately it was anxiety. I haven't felt this all summer, and I'm not sure what was bringing it on. When I went to bed last night it hurt a lot!  I used some Rescue Remedy, and that helped, but I still felt it a bit today.

But one look at my balance sheet from last week and this week revealed that I have not been doing any writing. The last thing I published on my blog was on July 14th.  Usually I write when I'm on vacation, but somehow it never happened this time.  I have been feeling rather lethargic today, and not wanting to do much.  I did manage to get myself out to the grocery store, and when I got home I KNEW the only thing that would make me feel better is to get back to writing.

Thank you, Balance Sheet.  Not sure if I would have figured it out so quickly otherwise.

I mean -- seriously. The anxiety is already lifting. What a great little move I gave myself last year, one that has served me well. It keeps me focused on what I know works for me. As we move toward a new school year, I will rely on this little tool to keep me in tip-top shape for my students -- and myself!

Prompt #53: Getting into (or out of) a Groove by Making a Move

It's an inevitable part of life: Every once in a while, you have to make a move to mix things up. Whether it's moving along, moving out, moving in, moving up, or moving on, a huge move, or a micro move, these changes have a profound impact on our lives. The results may be immediate: You get outside and take a bike ride or walk and gain a fresh perspective or get inspired. They may be far off: You leave someone or something not feeding your soul, and that propels you on a path to a more fulfilling life.

Write about a time when you made some kind of move that is memorable and the after-effects. You could juxtapose a micro move that changed the trajectory of your life, or a big move that changed your life in a small, yet significant way. The move can be physical, or it could be a mental shift.

Whatever you choose, I know we will all be moved (sorry, not sorry) by your words.

Long Drive

Response to Prompt #52: Road Trip!

I've sat on this prompt for quite some time, not because I've struggled with it but really just the opposite. I love music. So. So. Much. Any time I have the opportunity to go down a thematic exploration through music, I relish every minute. Every lyrical minute.

Instinctively, I think I knew from the start I'd end up here, at least emotionally. What I didn't know was that I would be inspired to write fiction, a bit of a rarity in my writing collection. Perhaps I was inspired by Natalie's brilliant piece. Maybe it was the music or my own experiences. Maybe it was all of these things.

I began with a journey in line with some of the songs mentioned in the prompt post. Who doesn't think of Willie's Nelson's "On the Road Again" or Tom Cochrane's, "Life is a Highway" (the latter of which was pretty much ruined by Rascal Flats and the Cars movie, if you ask me) when they think of open road traveling by car? But we all have our own memories of the soundtracks behind our personal road trips. I have written about a couple of mine already in past posts on this and my personal blogs. Road-tripping with my mom and sister from New York to Florida when we moved here, an almost fatal car accident I experienced in college on a road trip with some friends... and I found myself focusing more on the everyday road songs.

There are lots of driving or road songs in my music library, so many of them country songs I haven't listened to in quite some time. There is great movie magic in these for me. I find myself going to these places, riding along with the singers, almost in a daydream with them. You know those cheesy montage scenes in old TV shows and soap operas, the ones when the character is off in their daydreams reliving moments or creating fantasies. That's kind of what happens to me. Take for instance "Who Wouldn't Want to Be Me?" by Keith Urban:

The sun in shining
this road is winding
through the prettiest country
from Georgia to Tennessee

I got the one I love beside me
My troubles behind me
I'm alive and I'm free
Who wouldn't wanna be me

There there's "Summertime" by Kenny Chesney:

It's two bare feet on the dashboard
young love in an old Ford
cheap shades and a tattoo 
and a Yoo-Hoo bottle on the floorboards

Man I could just imagine riding down the highway during summer in an old car with my feet up and the windows open. As I continued to scroll I got into the James Taylor songs too, like "Country Road"

Take to the highway 
won't you lend me your name...

But most of these songs were as much about place and time, as they were about the road trip. And then I got to "Free"by ZBB. This song is really about the journey. Or is it? It starts that way.

So we live out in our old van
travel all across this land
me and you...

...We'll drive until the city lights
dissolve into a country sky  (don't you just love this line?)
just me and you..

But it too, is about time and place and love.

No we don't have a lot of money
No we don't have a lot of money
All we need is love...

It's really just about romanticizing the freedom in having love and no money, and being ok with that. Nothing wrong with the sentiment, but I don't think the song is really about the freedom of the road as much as it is about the freedom of and from jobs and money and the responsibilities that come with them; the sunny side of having no money but "at least we have each other."

And as I scrolled through my music, and I got from F to H, I came to another ZBB song, "Highway 20 Ride." I thought this is a really different kind of road song. It's a bit of a painful one, the kind that comes from the thoughts of anguish that can haunt a lonely driver on the open road. And it led me here. I've shared the video rather than the lyrics, because as with most songs, the power comes from hearing the music and the lyrics together. You can read what Zac's co-writer says about the song here.

Long Drive

It was Friday night. A mixed blessing of sorts. Two days off and time with Justin, but the drive across Georgia gave Mark plenty of time on the open road to remind him of how far away he was, and why. He loved his little boy but couldn't help but wonder how different things would be if he didn't have to settle for weekends once a month. It had been two years since he and Jessie split up, and Justin was almost five now. At this age they changed so quickly, and each time he climbed into his truck to make the trip, he wondered hopelessly if this would be the month Justin didn't want to see him, or heaven forbid didn't recognize him. This wasn't the way he imagined fatherhood would be. Once a month just isn't enough.

He stopped at Race Trac to fill up the truck and grabbed a bag of gummy bears, Justin's favorite. He never showed up without them. It was one of those seemingly inconsequential things, but to Mark it was important. It was his way of showing Justin he never forgets. He plugged in his phone, cued up his iTunes, and he was off. This time of year he was lucky if he could make it all the way to Justin by dark. It was a lonely ride, but not as lonely as the ride home on Sunday.

The open road might seem freeing to some. But the highway drive gave Mark too much time in his own head. He wasn't the one who set the series of events in motion, but ultimately he was the one who chose to leave. And he spent these rides beating himself up over how things could have been different. What did I do to drive her away? It was easy to talk shit about her around the guys. She was the one who stepped out. She was the "whore" who cheated. But he was haunted. When he was alone, all he could think is why? 

And then he'd think about Justin and how much he missed his little boy. How much he wanted to be there to help him with his homework and to coach little league. Maybe he should have given Jessie another chance, forgiven her. She begged him to stay. Tried to make him understand. Promised it would never happen again. It was just so hard to trust her. It hurt. It still does. But Justin doesn't know that. He doesn't understand. All he knows is Daddy got a job far away, and he can't be there all the time. Even Mark wasn't buying the charade anymore.

Maybe it was time to talk it out with Jessie. Maybe two years was time enough to heal. He hadn't been in any lasting relationships since they split up. A couple of dates, a meaningless screw or two. He had to find a way to fill in the time, but nothing was working. There was just something about Jessie. She was the love of his life and the mother of his precious little boy.

He was distracted by memories of the three of them together, and his mind started to wander. He was almost smiling when the old geezer behind him passed him on the right, honking and giving him the finger. "Screw you, buddy!" he yelled out loud to the old guy before flooring it to bring his speed back up enough to cruise in the fast lane. Every song had a memory, every memory brought back the emotion, and his heart felt full. But he was probably kidding himself. Who is to say she would even want to get back together. So much time had passed.

"Whatever It Is" began to play as he passed Columbus, the halfway point. Somehow with all the cleaning out- the dumping of photos from his phone, the boxes thrown into storage- he just couldn't delete this song. As painful as it was to hear, it was the kind of pain that almost felt right. The kind that reminds you of how good it once was so you can hold onto a little bit of that joy for a few minutes now and then. Sometimes he skipped it when he wasn't feeling strong enough. Mostly he just let it play, especially on these long drives.

Mark allowed himself the three minutes and twenty-eight seconds of the song to take him to the place that hurts so good, as they say. When it was over, he decided that's it. No more. The relationship is over, and he didn't want to go back. If nothing else, he and Jessie were meant to be together for a moment in time so Justin could be born. Soulmates with the purpose of bringing this very special human being into the world...

Worth every minute of the long and lonely drive

That January Saturday, 1982

Response to Prompt #52 Road Trip!

Well...

I put up this prompt not having any idea what I'd write about. As I started thinking about it and working through the suggested exercises,  I was fairly certain I was going to write the road trip part of a planned story, and submit it. I made great strides in forming the story and coming to agreement on how a conflict would be handled, and it all looked good.

But I kept putting off writing it. Somewhere inside of me, I kept hearing a little voice tell me that I was supposed to base this prompt on a song. For the life of me, I had no idea what that meant.

Today I was determined to write before I went to yoga. That's when my previous idea completely evaporated. I knew what I had planned was not what I was to submit here. Yes, I need to get that story written -- but this wasn't the platform.

I went to yoga with the question on my mind -- what road trip could I write about? I seemed to know after all the work I put into the fiction piece I wasn't up to coming up with another fiction idea.  Leave it to yoga to help clear the space. Something came to me right away, and I knew it was right.  And yes -- a song is involved.

That January Saturday, 1982

You took to the road with husband and friends

In their minivan, small children left at home

This was a day for adults, the aim to enter a winter

Wonderland, road trip to Sandusky for some kind

Of winter festival, a way to pass the time in the

Dreary mid-winter Ohio freezing cold numbness

Early on in the trip a pop-rock song by a popular

Cleveland band came on the radio, and it would

Be the harbinger of so much to come for you…

When your heart says it’s right

You gotta listen to what it’s saying

And in the back seat of that minivan

Somehow all the years of holding back,

Being fearful, not wanting to rock any boats

Or upset any apple carts or any other clichés

That kept women from living their full lives,

Anchored to the shore, unable to step out

And away, discouraged from being brave,

Melted away with the words of the song

It had been a way of life for you, yet here you were

On this cold January day, surrounded by white space

And music and the words that entered your heart

At that moment and have never left, even today

When your heart says it’s right

You gotta listen to what it’s saying

Just let it lead you to love

Love of self, love of freedom, love of release

Love of seeing yourself differently. It all

Happened so quickly, so unexpectedly

A feeling so warm and powerful you felt like you

Must be glowing right there in the car

You hummed that tune all day

When your heart says it’s right

Not knowing why

Just feeling happy happy

(Which means more happiness than

One word can contain)

That Saturday, that winter day

You recall nothing more than the Universe

speaking the words directly into your soul

Which would begin to lift you, change you…

You gotta listen to what it’s saying

You didn’t even know what it was saying,

You just knew it was right, perfect

And the façade was cracking right there

In that minivan, although the actual break

Was still weeks away

Let it lead you to love

Love of momentum, love of newness

Love of re-creation, love of strength

Dropping all those binding expectations

Not willing to cry anymore or wait

You took a step inside yourself that day

On the road to Sandusky and back

You carry no other memory of that day,

Of meals or activities or conversations

All you have left is the feeling

The everlasting happy happy feeling

The Excited

       Majestic

       Glorious

       Up-lifting feeling

Of letting go of something yet undefined

That January Saturday in 1982

You gave yourself permission to

Listen to your heart no matter what

The freedom of trust in yourself to write a

New life, new experiences, set your own

Parameters, own what’s inside you

Live a life you had never dared dream before

One in which you would learn to always

Let the universe play its part and

Lead you to love

Open Road

Response to Prompt #52,  Road Trip!

I'm usually not a fan of road trips, maybe because my childhood vacations consisted of 24-hour drives from Pontiac to Clearwater and then from Clearwater to Pontiac, with a few brief stops to pee and eat. But, a couple of summers stick with me: one summer driving down the Pacific Coast Highway and another driving the coast and forests of Oregon. Those are two drives I'll never forget. Both were filled with breathtaking scenery and surprising stops along the way. But, the thing that really made them special was experiencing new things with John. It made me feel like a kid again, or maybe made me feel like the kid I never was.  The found poem below is a tribute to those two summers and an appreciation for the experiences I've yet to have with my forever guy.

Sidenote: I included links to the videos for the songs I used to create this found poem below.


Open Road

You and me together, we could do anything,
our arms as wide as the sky.

I don't shine if you don't shine,
stars blazing like rebel diamonds.

Time will always try to make us old, but
growin' up doesn't mean getting older.

Let's go. I don't care--anywhere.
I feel like taking chances.

Who knows what we'll find,
keep an open mind.

Doesn't matter where we're going,
the thought of arriving kind of feels like dying.

Your hand on my hand
with magic soaking my spine.

As long as I'm with you,
we could take the long way.

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
with open arms and open eyes. 

Like a heartbeat skip, like an open page.
Can you read my mind?

Songs
Drive Acoustic Version and Official Video (Ben Rector)
Brand New (Ben Rector)
Drive by Incubus
Read My Mind by the Killers
Long Drive  by Jason Mraz
You and Me by Dave Matthews