Hitting the Reset

Response to Prompt #53: Getting into a Groove by Making a Move

I have no shortage of moves in my life to write about... career moves, home moves, you name it. I could write about my big move over from East Coast Florida to West Coast Florida, and how 150 miles or two hours can seem like worlds away from each other. I could write about the unexpected career move I made this year, when I was recruited by an old work buddy who sought me out after 12 years. But these are stories I have told before, in part or in various forms. No, the timing of this prompt made it pretty clear to me it was a different move I would write about this time.

Ever since I pulled past 40, my body has been changing. It seems like all. the. time. I have struggled to maintain a healthy and satisfying weight long-term since well, forever. I'm not talking about the self-conscious teenager kind of struggle, or the complain to your friends even though everyone knows you don't need to lose any weight kind of "struggle." I'm talking always cute, never gorgeous, because chunky or plump or chubby girls were never described by others as anything but cute. And that was only if they had great hair, a not so bad to look at face, and a sense of humor. All chubby girls have a sense of humor, usually the self-deprecating kind. But I digress. I mentioned my weight because it's always been a thing. When I was younger, I put it on easily, but could almost as quickly take it off with a few weeks of strict adjustment. I was an athlete. Not so much anyone. Really, not at all anymore. I probably eat healthier than I have most anytime in my life, but the weight has been pounding on the last few years.

My husband and I started making changes, just as much for health reasons as weight. We stopped buying, and soon after stopped drinking soda altogether, even diet. I cut out most dairy from my diet to help with my allergies. We started buying organics and higher quality meats and fish, and stopped buying most packaged foods and breads. After a diagnosis of diverticulitis and some serious gut health issues, my husband began to read a lot and make some additional changes. We had both long sworn off artificial sweeteners, and I was never a big drinker. He cut out most carbs (not beer) and dropped 20 pounds (men!) and I was convinced I wasn't eating that many carbs anyway.

Last October, I played around with what I've now learned is called "the Dirty30," which is a slack off version of Whole30. There was a Whole30 challenge at work, and by the time I learned about what all was involved, the ship had sailed so I went along with part of it. I played with some of the recipes, followed some of the easier aspects that aligned with the changes my husband and I were already making or trying to make. I enjoyed cooking and sharing recipes with coworkers, and the Dirty30 seemed easy enough. I also started walking 3-5 miles a day. That month I lost almost 10 pounds, and I won a steps challenge at work.

In May and June I started to have some scary episodes on airplanes while traveling for work. I won't get into the details, but suffice to say I was feeling intensely sick while in the air and I couldn't figure out why. As I visited a slew of doctors who tested my blood, looked at my heart, MRI'ed my brain, I was both relieved and frustrated. Relieved because I'm in great health according to all the tests, but frustrated because I didn't know what was causing the episodes and neither did the doctors. My job requires regular travel, so I had to figure something out. Once a seasoned and easy flyer, now I was feeling anxious and apprehensive.

While I was awaiting results from all these tests, I started to research a little on my own. I wanted to know if other people experienced the kinds of things I was, and if they determined any cause. Many of those who reported similar symptoms had inner ear problems (one of the doctors I saw was an ENT who said it's not my ears). Others had heart problems the doctor was already ruling out for me. And then I found two other issues; one was anemia and the other was blood sugar. At various times in my life, including pregnancy, my blood tests have returned low iron. I have also experienced dizziness and fainting in the past from what I thought was low blood sugar. There were lots of comments about diabetes too, and I started to get scared.

The other fun thing about seeing all of these doctors was getting on the scale (yay), and I noticed I had gained a few pounds since the last time I weighed myself. It's not like it was the first time I weighed more than I thought I did, but combined with these other health concerns I was getting in a weird headspace. It was like I thought I could cut it all off before it got to me if I could make some sort of change. I decided not to wait for the blood test and I pulled down all the information for Whole30. I decided this time there would be no "dirty," this time I was doing it for real. (I won't get into the details of the plan here. There's plenty of info online if you want the deets.) Within the first few days of my Whole30 journey, my blood tests all came back clean, as did my EKG, Heart Sonogram, and MRI of my brain.  But I was committed to making this change so I kept going.

I'm now on day 20 of 30. I had some rough days, pretty consistent with what the trends are in their literature. But I feel really good, both physically and emotionally. I don't want to be one of those people who feels the need to preach to everyone and talk about this change in a way that sounds cultish, like so many others.

That said, I think it has changed my life. I'm learning so much about how many carbs I was eating in the way of sugars. I had long cut almost all pasta out of my diet and a lot of the bread. But I was eating yogurt with granola everyday for breakfast, I was drinking sugar in my coffee (this, I must admit I still miss), and coconut milk ice cream was a regular night time snack in our home. And boy was I completely unaware of how much added sugar almost EVERYTHING has. Check the label on any product you buy: Salad dressing- yup. Bacon- yup. Broth, tomato sauce, fruit juice- yup, yup, yup. You name it, they add sugar to it. Even if it's naturally sweet, like juice! And what I've come to realize, is I was eating way more sugar than I realized. Whole30 has helped me detox. I have had no sugar or any natural (no honey, no agave, nothing of the sort) or artificial sweetener in three weeks. Start looking through your fridge and pantry, and you'll see what a feat this is. Are you a drinker? Doesn't matter whether it's a fruity cocktail or a vodka martini. All alcohol is a form of sugar.

Ok, I'm done with the lecture. As I said, I don't want to be that person. So I won't be. But here's what I learned. Whole30 was designed to be just that 30. They specifically tell you it's not supposed to be Whole365. It's a sort of elimination diet, and when the 30 days are over, you gradually introduce things back in. This reintroduction is done in a way that you can pay attention to the way your body is responding to the foods. It also gives you tools for helping you to be intentional about your food choices. I swore off this kind of thing a couple of years ago, because I didn't want to obsessively think about food all the time. But thinking about it is what helps you choose the right foods to fuel your body. Your body. It's about what makes your body run well and feel good. It's about creating a sustainable plan that's healthy for you. Oh, and I didn't have to pay for it. There are products you can buy, but you don't need them. The plan is available for free.

As someone who cooks, I have learned a lot about healthy alternatives to things that should be left out of food most of the time, and used for recipes when you really need them in order to make the dish you want to make. Splurging on something that doesn't make you feel great is ok once in awhile, if you think it's worth it. Scratch made is usually best (duh) and keeping to a healthy and comfortable plan in your everyday lifestyle leaves room for the treats you just don't want to pass up and shouldn't have to. Whole30 is always there to return to for an extreme detox, like after a vacation. I'm in

I feel great- mind, body, and spirit. This has been a big move for me.

Small Step

As I reflected on Prompt #53, Getting In (or out of) a Groove by Making a Move, I knew I didn't want to write about the 4 moves I made in the short span of 11 months a couple of years ago. That time--so exhausting both mentally and physically--seems so distant now, a blip on the screen in the movie of my life. I knew I didn't want to talk about job moves or going back to school--lots of people do that, so there is nothing special to explore there.

I knew I wanted to write about a mental move, one that seemed so small that it would be inconsequential, but ended up having a positive impact on my life. 

Enter therapy.

I was pretty open about going with people around me. I didn't try to hide it. I didn't feel ashamed of it. I did get a lot of surprised reactions:

Why do you need therapy? You have it all together! 

What? Therapy? What do you have to complain about? Your life is pretty great. 

I'm surprised you need therapy. You don't act like you would. 

Don't you have friends you can talk to?

I didn't really want to explain myself, but inside I ticked off my answers:

Yes, I am a fairly together person. 

Having problems doesn't mean you're a complainer. 

I'm so glad I can fake it well enough, but not everyone who seeks therapy has serious mental health issues. That's precisely what I'm trying to avoid. 

And, yes, I have a fantastically supportive web of friends and family who will gladly listen to me. But, I don't always want to burden them with that. Plus, I want an objective perspective. 

I grew up in an environment where issues stayed "in house" and where "handing it over to God" was the modus operandi, even though my father worked in the social work and mental health arena. Stoicism reigned supreme. Worrying was a sign you didn't have enough faith; crying and falling apart was quickly shut down. I'm not bemoaning the way I was raised or laying blame on my parents for anything. They did what they knew to do at the time. I turned out OK, so why complain?  I'm also not going to pretend I didn't gain some pretty solid coping skills from that upbringing, but I also internalized some pretty damaging coping mechanisms. The latter is what therapy helped me recognize and overcome. 

Here is what I have learned: There is a monumental difference between sucking it up in the moment and processing later versus squashing your emotions permanently, denying their validity.  Therapy has taught me those emotions will bubble--sometimes explode--to the surface eventually. Life has taught me those moments usually occur at really inconvenient times. 

I cried that day I reached out to the therapist to set my first appointment. I'm crying just remembering that moment. It was such a relief to finally allow myself to reach out for help. I knew there were things I need to work on: my self-diagnosed martyr complex being at the top of my list followed by being anxious about things out of my control, getting angry over inconsequential things, not knowing how to handle aging parents, not knowing how to be empathetic without taking on the weight of the world, and not knowing how to remove myself from situations and mindsets that no longer fulfilled or served me. 

I cried a lot during the first dozen or so sessions, but I did my best not to. That little voice, Don't be a big baby, chided me as I felt the tears well up. It was the question posed by my therapist, Why do you always suppress your tears? that gave me permission to let them flow.  

Why indeed. She taught me tears are cleansing, tears are soothing, tears allow you to comfort yourself, tears allow that release that begins the path to healing. She taught me that path is frequently rocky, but to enjoy the smooth sections. 

She also reinforced what I suspected about myself all along: I'm a very self-aware and reflective person. I just needed to harness those characteristics and allow them to guide me down a more positive path. Instead of reflecting on all the things I don't like about myself, I can now recognize them without letting them define me. I can focus on my strengths and admit my weaknesses without shame or blame. It's so incredibly freeing.  

That one small step--picking up the phone and dialing a number--changed my life in so many ways. And, now, I'm moving toward a better version of myself.