The Things that Bind Me

So many things to obsess over, so little time. In an effort to dig deep and not write about things I have hit up in the past (mostly weight, a spic and span house, and the pursuit of perfection where it does not exist), I decided on something that I hope you find amusing--even if odd.

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My current obsession has sent me on many internet searches and scavenger hunts in the undergarment sections of my favorite stores like T.J. Maxx and Marshall's.  In my youth, I would have made fun of a person who needed to wear what I am looking for: the perfect body shaper--one that cinches my waist, smooths out my saddlebags, shrinks my thighs,  lifts my ass, and flattens my lumpy tummy (or shall I say tummies?), all while not letting any loose flesh squirt out of the sides and top and bottom. Oh, and it must not make that whooshing sound when I walk. Seriously, it's like announcing to the world: "Hey, world, I'm sporting one of the those sexy biker short looking undergarments, and my thighs are still rubbing!" I'm also slightly fearful that the friction may start a small fire. 

Recently, I've decided not to worry about my thighs as much and try to find something that gives me back those hourglass curves that have somehow morphed into a more oompa loompa shape as of late. This has resulted in the purchase of shapers that resemble one-piece swimsuits and odd things that come right up to my bra line, but tend to roll down every time I bend down. Anything lower results in that muffin-top explosion, all clearly visible under the dresses and tops I plan to wear on vacation. 

Short of going all 19th Century and somehow finding a whalebone corset (Amazon may very well have one of these in stock), I think my best bet is sticking with the bathing suit shaped shapers. I can actually forgo my bra with these--they actually have decent support after I stuff in wayward side boob. The only problem is, I still look like a jelly bean with no definable waist, but at least all the lumps and bumps are smoothed out.

I used to hate my ass and hips. They were always the biggest parts of me. My waist was teeny tiny, as was my chest. Now, I am embracing my butt as one of my better features. I'm just hoping it gets enough attention to divert it from my midsection.

Here's the bottom line (or should I say middle line): There is no amount of lycra or rubber or metal bars that can contain all that my womanly shape has become, no one garment that will undo some less than stellar eating and exercising habits and the symptoms of pre-menopause. I guess I could wear one of everything, but I'm a sweater who is also obsessed with not smelling like B.O. But, that's for another post.