The Power of No

by Annmarie Ferry
Response to prompt #9 http://trailbrazin.blogspot.com/2016/01/invitation-to-write-9-no.html

I knew exactly what I had to write about as soon as this invitation came out. Yet, I decided to sit on it anyway and explore other options. I could talk about the times I said no to drugs or sex I wasn't ready for, but those are not complicated stories. They are also pretty cliche.  I'm sure those moments had a huge impact on my life, but I can't be sure what the exact consequences of giving in would have been.

November 23, 2015. The day I said "no."

The prior Friday, I had been blindsided with a 2-sentence job reassignment. I knew in my core that I was not going to be able to fulfill the involuntary transfer. I had already silently refused. Now it was time to make it official.

I typed a politically correct and admittedly boring resignation letter. And, I turned it in on that fateful Monday. I was shaking and teary-eyed as I handed it to my supervisor even though I had forewarned her over the weekend that it was coming. It was still one of the hardest things I have ever done.

I had to say "no" several more times after I handed in my notice, but I stuck to my guns in spite of emotional pleas for me to stay, followed by promises from higher ups that I knew in my heart were empty and insincere.

No. Quiet at first, then becoming louder and more resolve each time I had to say it.

No!  I will not sacrifice my own health and emotional well-being, let alone my personal and family time, for an organization that repeatedly sucked me dry.

NO! I will not be a band-aid for a problem I did not create.

I have to admit, it was difficult for me. I tried to justify staying. But, even I wasn't buying my own bullshit.

NO!! I will not be a martyr anymore.

Nevertheless, it was risky-- I was tossing away 10 years of hard work and dedication. It hurt my heart to leave my team, my friends, but it had to be done.

NO!!! I will not suffer in silence while my fate is decided by people who do not care about my well-being.

Fast forward to January 29, 2016. A mere two months later, but it seems like a lifetime ago when I finally stood up for myself. Tears form as I type that last sentence. Finally, at the age of 46, I stood up for me. I always defend others, but rarely myself, at least not in such a big way. But, that risk I took has been paying off like I never imagined possible.

Am I still stressed? Of course. Owning a business and learning the ins and outs definitely causes some sleepless nights and butterflies in my stomach. Is it the same stress I felt before? Absolutely not!

But, in spite of a few nervous moments, I have never been happier in my professional life. I get to help students just as before. The big difference is that I get to do it my way. No ridiculous mandates, no restrictions, no bogus "company lines" to spew out. And, one official month in, business is growing daily. Word is spreading thanks to some great friends and thrilled clients.

Better yet, this general sense of satisfaction and excitement trickles into my home life. When I work long stretches from home after office hours, I do it because I want to. I do it because I'm building something I believe in. I do it because it matters.

I still get to say "no" when needed. I just don't find myself having utter that word very often any more.