Response to #71: Mirror of Terror

2/6/22 

Years ago, I had a nightmare that shook me to the core. It was so terrifying that for months I avoided looking in the mirror when I woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom.

I remember it clear as day. I was in the pool bath of our home, washing my hands. When I glanced in the mirror, it was my face, but the voice pleading help me was not mine. I was possessed by something sinister, something I desperately wanted to be free of. 

I awoke with a start, my heart pounding, goosebumps covering my entire body, every cell charged with electricity.  It was a quick nightmare, a blip compared to my usual, seemingly never-ending dream sequences, a few seconds of terror that kept me up the rest of the night, afraid to close my eyes and return to that awful place. 

Now that I'm removed from it, I can examine the dream for possible meanings. How many times have I looked in the mirror and not recognized the person blinking back at me--times where I feel one way to have that reflection tell a different story? The times where I've slapped on a smile, only to have my eyes reveal the malaise that lurks beneath the surface. The times when I look sad and tired but feel light and energetic. The times I think I look good, only to have John flick on a different light and suddenly a haggish face appears. The times I feel gross but see the reflection of a beautiful woman. 

The adage looks can be deceiving rings true. 

I see that dream for what it (most likely) was now. It was a desperate plea, but not from a demon-possessed version of myself. It was a plea from my soul to make necessary changes, to let go of things that were haunting me, to worry less about every little thing that could go wrong and delight in the things that were going well. 

I finally did answer that poor soul's plea for help. I began to put her at the top of the list, to attend to her physical, emotional, and spiritual self in ways that worked for her, instead of buying into all the "shoulds" from her upbringing and society. 

I've had a few other nightmares since then that make me wake up with goosebumps, those that have me avoiding the mirror as I wash my hands post-pee. I'm not quite sure what I'm trying to avoid in those moments, but I do know that I have the strength and resilience to face whatever comes my way in the light of day.