Level 4

Level 4

My response to Prompt #60--The Power of Four

I've been struggling--hard--these four A's keeping me entrapped in a self-made prison--anxiety, agitation, angst, animosity. These emotions are not foreign to me, but I usually keep their visits short, showing them the door after a quick cup of coffee. They don't get invited to dinner or to linger over a glass of wine. Yet lately, they have taken up residence in every corner of my home, now also my workspace.

Knowing I can't function for long in this toxic environment, I started doing some searching--not soul-searching because I just don't trust that at the moment--and came across a kindle book called What to Say When You Talk to Yourself by Shad Helmstetter. Who knew a free and quick upload to Audible would put me on a path to bending the bars that are holding me hostage. This guy speaks my language--literally lists every single negative thought I've ever told myself and even those bestowed on me by others.

I won't bore you with that litany of grievances. Suffice it to say I felt like he was inside my brain as I walked and listened.

My ears perked up when he began discussing the levels of self-talk. The first two are where I live now: the I can't or I'm not and the I should or I need to (followed by I won't or I can't). The third is intriguing: replace those negative statements with I am not, I do not, I no longer....Hmmm. I think I might be able to do this. And then, he dropped the fourth: I am. 

The other day I thought about making a word cloud with adjectives others use to describe me, but I let that idea go. Why? Because right now, it doesn't matter how others see me; it only matters how I see me.

I picked up my pace, shaving a couple of minutes off my normal time. Not because I was trying to break any records, but because I wanted to get home to journal four I am statements--my daily goal for this week.

I am

     I am a problem-solver, not a problem-maker.

          I am capable of overcoming challenges--big or small.

                I am creative in not only my thinking but also in my expression.

                      I am mentally and physically strong enough to meet my wellness goals.

I later caught myself engaging in silly, self-fulfilling prophecies. When my taco shifted on my plate and sour cream and salsa plopped on the freshly-washed kitchen rug, my inner voice started to say, "You can't do anything right." I stopped it in its tracks and instead just laughed it off. It won't hurt to wash it again. Or when it falls apart from all the washing, buy a new one. As I took a bite of my food and the familiar throat closing began, I talked myself down: You no longer get a lump in your throat that prevents you from swallowing. 

I think I will enjoy living in Levels 3 & 4 for a while. Level 5 is a whole new level--the It is level. One the author says will come when you are ready. I know my journey to that kind of thinking is a longer road, and that is OK.

For now, I just am.

As a side note, I also thought it would be fun to pick 4 poems for my journey, new corners that welcome me instead of punish me:

1) Pain Ends by Katy Brown 

Breathe in the fresh air,
Put your mind at ease.
Let down your hair,
Let it flow in the breeze.

Let your eyes wander
To all the beauty to be seen.
If those toxic thoughts you still do ponder,
Then let out a scream.

Scream until the pain is gone,
Until you no longer feel afraid.
Open your eyes to a new dawn,
Let the darkness fade.

No longer compare yourself
Or your flaws to others' perfections.
Take the negativity off the shelf.
Focus on your direction.

Pick the sadness up off the floor,
Sweep it into the wind.
Close the door on self-hatred.
Never let it back in.

For the lies it would often tell you,
You will no longer agree.
Happiness and love are what you should hold onto.
They are whom you should give the key.

Pay no attention to the toxic thoughts,
Listen to those who adore everything you are.
Overthinking was what you once were taught,
But now those thoughts you put in a jar.

Focus on your goals,
Never lose your fight.
It's time to open new scrolls.
Everything will be all right.

Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/pain-ends

2) I Bend by Selena Odom 

I bend but do not break.
I've been lost, but I'm not a loser.
I'm a wreck, but I'm not totaled.
I'm fractured but not broken.
I've failed, but I'm not a failure.
I've fallen hard but can get up again.
I'm isolated, but still I'm free.
I have been destroyed but will rebuild.
My heart is broken, but it will mend.
See, no matter how close I come to breaking, I just continue to bend.

Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/i-bend

3) The Simple Things  by Edgar A. Guest 

I would not be too wise--so very wise
That I must sneer at simple songs and creeds,
And let the glare of wisdom blind my eyes
To humble people and their humble needs.

I would not care to climb so high that I
Could never hear the children at their play,
Could only see the people passing by,
And never hear the cheering words they say.

I would not know too much--too much to smile
At trivial errors of the heart and hand,
Nor be too proud to play the friend the while,
Nor cease to help and know and understand.

I would not care to sit upon a throne,
Or build my house upon a mountain-top,
Where I must dwell in glory all alone
And never friend come in or poor man stop.

God grant that I may live upon this earth
And face the tasks which every morning brings
And never lose the glory and the worth
Of humble service and the simple things.

Source: https://www.great-inspirational-quotes.com/short-inspirational-poems.html

4) Yesterday is History by Emily Dickinson

    

    Yesterday is History,
    'Tis so far away -
    Yesterday is Poetry -
    'Tis Philosophy -

    Yesterday is mystery -
    Where it is Today
    While we shrewdly speculate
    Flutter both away 

Source: https://www.poemhunter.com/poem/yesterday-is-history-2/