When I originally started this piece, it was going to be an explanation on how I don't quite know how to have fun with music--how all the songs I really love are meaningful and speak to me on some deep level. Blah, blah, blah. It fit in with the parameters of the prompt, but the idea was to have fun with it. And, admittedly, I haven't exactly been a barrel of monkeys lately. I need to pause the cassette. Rewind. Re-record.
And then, it hit me: I can have fun with this prompt. I went through adolescence during the 80's, so why not highlight some of the one-hit wonders that define my life?
Disclaimer: These are definitely not my favorite songs. In fact, I hate some of them.
August, 1981. I was just starting 7th grade. We had just recently gotten cable TV, a huge step up from the 4-5 channels we watched previously, and a huge step for my family. TV was not a big part of our lives, and our parents choosing to pay for more channels felt like a Christmas miracle. MTV premiered with "Video Killed the Radio Star," ironically signaling the dawn of a whole new era. To me, the lyrics seem to lament the dying off of old traditions in music. In my mind and in my car, we can't rewind, we've gone too far. Pictures came and broke your heart. Put down the blame on VCR. Music became dependent on visuals--visuals that competed for our attention, our listening skills taking some serious hits.
1982. "Too Shy" by Kajagoogoo came out. Besides the lead singer being a hottie with crazy hair, the lyrics seemed to speak my language. I was a super shy (yes, it is true) and socially awkward middle school student. So shy in fact, I got accused of being stuck up. What? I was dying inside every time one of the popular girls tried to talk to me, a courtesy only extended because my new friend Julie was part of their crew. My naivety kept me from understanding what the song was really about--a guy trying to get an uptight virgin to have sex with him. Ok. Maybe it was about me--I just had no idea. Zero. If clues were posted at every corner with blinking lights, I wouldn't have seen the signs.
Fast forward to 1986: I am a junior in high school. I worked so hard, but I wasn't exactly setting the world on fire. Slightly above average and one of the hardest workers in class, my teachers loved me. In fact, my Chemistry I teacher didn't have the heart to give me the "F" he should have because I had worked so hard in his class. I just didn't get it. That would be my first "D," a heartbreaker for sure. I had never gotten a "D." I think I may have only had one "C" before that. Cue "Future's So Bright I Gotta Wear Shades," a wildly misinterpreted song. It wasn't speaking about the optimistic future of a high school student like we all thought. It was really a statement on what life would look like after a nuclear holocaust. I had always been preoccupied with the end of the world thanks to my doom and gloom religious upbringing, but now the threat seemed very real. Was my future bright? It didn't exactly seem so at the time.
In 1987, "Heart and Soul" was my favorite song. Never mind it was speaking to something I hadn't experienced quite yet. But, I met John--now my husband--that year, the weekend after graduation to be exact, and I had stars in my eyes. Walking on water, walking on air. Yep. That was me. Smitten, and for the first time thinking I found "the one." My instincts turned out to be correct.
1988, mid-way through my freshman year in college, Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians release "What I Am." I'm not aware of too many things, I know what I know if you know what I mean. I was finally realizing how naive I was. I was exposed to alternative lifestyles--met an openly gay woman who was in my Interdisciplinary Studies class, a real life adult who had tried to live life in a box she didn't fit in, putting on a good show during her marriage. I remember her coming out on campus was a huge deal. I will admit I was uncomfortable with it. My world was so tiny, so narrow-minded, so confined to my parents' strict belief system. Then, I was assigned to a group project, and she--Linda was her name--was one of the members. Hearing her story changed my life. She deserves to be happy, to be who she is, I remember thinking. This was first taste of thinking outside of the way I was raised. Philosophy is a walk on the slippery rocks; religion is a light in the fog. Was everything I had been taught wrong? Or if not wrong, too shallow? I felt the need to seek answers for myself, question things I never felt allowed to question before.
But, when it comes down to it, as I look back on my life, there is one song from 1986 that could be the theme song for my life: "Break Out" by Swing Sister. It's upbeat and super catchy, but don't let that fool you. The lyrics have some deep meaning, at least for me.
When explanations make no sense,
When every answer's wrong,
You're fighting with lost confidence,
All expectations gone.
The time has come to make or break;
Move on, don't hesitate.
Breakout, don't stop to ask;
Now you've found a break to make it last.
You've got to find a way,
Say what you want to say; breakout.
When situations never change,
Tomorrow looks unsure,
Don't leave your destiny to chance.
What are you waiting for?
The time has come to make or break.
Breakout, don't stop to ask;
Now you've found a break to make it last.
You've got to find a way,
Say what you want to say; breakout.
Breakout, don't stop to ask;
Now you've found a break to make it last.
You've got to find a way,
Say what you want to say; breakout.
Some people stop at nothing.
If you're searching for something,
Lay down the law, shout out for more.
Breakout and shout day in and day out;
Breakout, don't stop to ask'
Now you've found a break to make it last.
You've got to find a way,
Say what you want to say; breakout.
Don't stop to ask;
Now you've found a break to make it last.
You've got to find a way,
Say what you want to say; breakout.
Don't stop to ask;
Now you've found a break to make it last.
You've got to find a way,
Say what you want to say; breakout.
(lyrics courtesy of genius.com)
I am still finding ways to say what I want to say, still fighting with the things that hold me back. The fear of disappointing people, or worse, upsetting them. I am still breaking out.
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