Not Just Another Know-it-all

A loose interpretation/response to Prompt #23: Behind Closed Doors


You never know what goes on behind closed doors...

I have a fairly simple life. I grew up with two (divorced) loving parents. My needs were mostly met, through some financially prosperous years and strenuous penny-pinching years, and everything in between. I was never abused or neglected, and I've been lucky my life's circumstances haven't included any extreme trauma or catastrophe. The skeletons in my closet are really nothing to write about. So that's it, right? No trauma, no drama?

One of my writing buddies once asked why women need to compare themselves to each other, measure their experiences against some random scale of right or wrong, like there is a hierarchy of human experience. I've kept this thought since she asked it years ago. She's right. Everyone's experiences are what they are, and it is unnecessary to compare to each other for any reason except to relate the human experience.

So what does all this have to do with Behind Closed Doors?

I've been suffering a bit in silence over the past three or four months. Not silent behind closed doors, but silent to the outside world. It is not a catastrophic, life or death suffering, but a parental worry-about-my-child-rearing kind of worry. I have written quite a bit over the years about my son and his school experiences, from great teachers to shitty grades. I've argued for less standardization and more creative learning. I've suggested grades don't matter and students need more interaction with the natural world. I've advocated for teaching the heart as much as the mind, and for more writing and more writing and more writing.

I have tried to integrate my mom consciousness and my teacher consciousness and use them to guide my decision making in the classroom and in my home. I convinced myself at times that decisions I was unsure about were really the best, either by writing about it or talking with my husband. But I have doubted fewer decisions more than the one big one I have doubted in these recent months.

When my son was in middle school and we started to see him struggle in school, despite his incredible intelligence, life started to get rough in our home. We made some decisions about the type of learner he was/is, the quality of life in our home, and the contradiction between what we believed about education and what was being provided for him at the time in public school. To summarize, we accepted these things:

• Our son is not an average kid- in so many ways. What is an average kid anyway?
• Our son is an interactive learner, needs to enjoy interacting with his teacher and peers.
• Our son has difficulty completing school-like tasks if he doesn't find value in them, including but not limited to homework.
• Our son was a good standardized test-taker, in all subjects (I'll let you decide what that means).
• Our son, in many classes, came in knowing before he even got there (conceptually), much of what was being taught.
• Our son was (and still is) a real-world learner. He will read, watch videos, and track down any information he needs in order to learn about something he wants to learn about, and he will teach himself. I have learned the term Learn-it-all as opposed to Know-it-all.
• Our son did not not respond to traditional parenting punishments and rewards, like grounding and taking things away, or rewards as bribes. These methods did little to affect his behavior, especially related to school.
• Our son seemed to respond best to natural consequences.
• Our son showed strong signs of responsibility in other areas of his life.
• Our son was growing into a kind, respectful human being.

So what did we do with all of this understanding? We decided we would not ground him; we would not complete homework for him; we would not reward him for good grades and punish him for bad grades; we would not hound him about his school work but would offer help when he asked or implied he needed it and give encouraging reminders about the importance of responsibility, and doing what it takes to get into college.

I know friends and some family probably thought we weren't doing enough. How could we be okay with mediocre (sometimes worse) grades when we knew our son was capable of so much more? I was accused more than once of lowering my expectations for my son. I listened to people talk about their kids' grades with pride, or threatening to punish their kids for horrible report cards. I listened to parents in my son's various extracurricular activities tell the coaches and leaders they were pulling their kids out because of bad report cards. And what did I do? Not much. At least that's what it looked like from the outside.

But here's what happened behind closed doors...

My husband and I made the decision our son would live life on his terms and learn to deal with the natural consequences. We had more talks with each other and with him individually and as a pair, than I could begin to count. We decided and believed grades were not much more than a student's ability to please their teachers and "do school." We knew our son was learning, whether it showed on his report cards or not. We realized early our son was a confident nonconformist, and yes that comes with risks, but the benefits far outweigh the costs. Understand, we knew from what we had seen so far in the way of intelligence and behavior, our son would have a bright future, no matter the path he took. We saw signs we were doing something right as parents and we tried to find strength and comfort in that. So we took a peaceful approach in our house. We levied a few important things (like a driver's license) against some high stakes situations. But overall, we rationalized, supported, and guided our son without imposing much in the way of external negative or positive consequences.

Done.

Middle school continued to be rough, but things got better in high school. In a district with school choice, our son found the perfect school to attend. It was the first Microsoft Certified High School in the country, and it would provide just the kind of coursework and faculty he needed to keep interested and motivated. In four years, I never had to fight him to go to school. Waking up early wasn't always easy, but it was never about not wanting to go to school. And learning? Holy moly, he has learned so much about computers and technology, about people, about life. He's learned a lot in the content areas too. Most of his teachers have been outstanding teachers and really good people.

So he's a shoe-in for a great college, maybe even a scholarship, right? Wrong. His grades don't tell the whole story. He took advanced classed for three years, with a combination of A's through C's, maybe even a D or two. His drive to have a great report card never developed. So unlike his mother. I wanted straight A's and I was pretty close most of the time. Nope. Not him, and he doesn't even care. Most of the time, I didn't either. As I said, when talking with him, it was clear to my husband and me, our son was learning. 

Then junior year and the college entrance exams came. He took the ACT and got mediocre scores (plenty to meet minimum requirements), and took the SAT and did even better. His scores weren't off the charts, but well above average. I asked him if he'd like to take a prep course to try and get his scores up. This was a privilege my parents couldn't afford when I was his age. He wasn't interested. (You can read about my opinion of the whole college entrance exam process in an old blog post). 

Senior year came, and decided to take it a little easy and dropped IB. He put off applying to colleges for awhile. I was okay with it, because with the lighter load, I was hopeful his grades would improve. I wanted the first semester to get processed to boost his GPA a bit before applying. We waited (I say we, but I took almost no part in the application process. He did it alone.) until Christmas break and then the application was off. That's right. I said application, no "s." He sent off an application to one school- the only school he was really interested in attending. Winter turned to spring and before you know it, we sat down for dinner in a restaurant one night and he got an email from the school. Thanks but no thanks. It was rough, but he got over it pretty quickly. Now what?  A last minute application for the local university which he admitted was fine, he just would have liked to go a little further from home.

Now we're waiting. Decision day came and went at school. He had his last final exam yesterday and had awards last night. He picks up his cap and gown on Monday, and graduates a week from Saturday. And... we still don't know if he got into college.  

So behind the door to this home, is a mom who wonders if she did it right. Did this mom, this educator, fall down on the job of raising her son with the right attitude about school? I've been hard on myself. Admittedly, I've wondered what other people think about me, about my son. They all tell me how smart he is, how great of a kid he is, how bright his future is. And then I feel like they look at me and think what happened? Why didn't you do better? It's hard to admit, but it's a bit difficult seeing and hearing everyone else brag about where their kids got into school and what they're doing next year. I hate that I care and I remind myself it's about my son's happiness and success, not me winning parental bragging rights. I've done a number on myself. I think I'm more nervous about waiting for his acceptance letter (which I hope and feel pretty confident about, but I'm still not sure) than he is. It is occupying so much of my mental energy. 

Then, last night at the Academy Awards (that's what they call awards night for Academy of Technology Excellence at his school), Kimberly Friedman from Microsoft was the guest speaker. She spoke about the enormous number of jobs in the world for the technology field. She cautioned the kids, instead of being a know-it-all to be a learn-it-all. To keep up, you can never stop learning. She talked about the need for more girls and women in the field. She talked about the minds of students just like my son. And at the reception that followed, I said to him, I want to meet her. I want to talk to her about girls, and technology, and PACE. And my son, my go-getter, risk-taker, beautifully frenzy-minded son, took my hand and said,

"Let's go." And he took me over to her and he said, "You should talk to her. Do it."And I asked the tech teacher to introduce me to her and she did. And for about 10-15 minutes, my son and I talked with the Director of Southeast Education for Microsoft. Come to find out, she had been in a panel at the All About Girls Summit in Orlando (a PACE organized event), and just had a phone call with my boss earlier in the week. She is a huge supporter of PACE, and is helping us get partnered with technology resources for our girls! 

We chatted about that for a few minutes, and then she engaged my son. And they talked about all he learned and what he wants to do and all the skills she said he had based on his experience at Dunbar High. She complimented the strength of his handshake and was blown away by the level of conversation they had about things he has been following in development at Microsoft. She told us she believes in college and said it's a great route, but it wasn't necessary in their field. She asked him what kind of work he thought about doing in the field and she gave him advice. Then she told him she expects a LinkedIn connection with him tomorrow. She invited, practically demanded, he connect to her. Can you imagine? A top executive at Microsoft wants to link in with my son. She told all the kids to link in with her. She knows who her future employees will be!

And I thought, my son is the reason I went up to her. He is assertive and articulate and energetic. He is brilliant! And last night I went on to LinkedIn and connected with Kimberly. I sent her a brief message thanking her and reminding her who I was. I got this back this morning:

And witnessing their interaction last night and receiving this message this morning are helping me to realize I did ok. I sent this to my husband and he responded, "You know, she's right." And though we still await the college acceptance letter, and I know that will be the ultimate sense of relief, it's feeling a little better today behind this door.