Conversation with Maya, Part II: My New Quilt

I once again find myself staring in the mirror, this time fresh out of the shower, eyeing my belly--or should I say bellies--when the all-to-familiar feeling of disgust begins to bubble up.

"Stop!" I say out loud, even though I'm the only one in the room. "Just stop."

A new commitment to eating healthy(ier) and to cut out alcohol until I get past this slump has me congratulating myself more than ripping myself apart. I am not perfect, but I am better than I was.  Even my "bad" choices are better for the most part. I'm not worried about reaching super-model status, but I have to admit not being classified as obese at my last check-up gave me some motivation to get as far away from that number as possible. 

I close my eyes and visualize myself stepping on the scale (yes, I have brought it back for a once a week weigh-in but no longer obsess over a daily weight). The number I see is the goal I set for the next two weeks. My prize? A glass of wine, my ultimate dangling carrot.

I see you wrapped yourself in that new quilt.  I hear the the soft, raspy voice whisper in my ear. It suits you much better. 

"Yes," I sigh. "I am trying. I still see the flaws but am making a conscious attempt to celebrate their stories. To celebrate my stories." 

That's the thing about quilts. They are just a bunch of imperfect remnants, unimpressive on their own. But, lovingly sew them together, and they become a wondrous piece of art. 

And, just as the last time we conversed, she drops the perfect word bomb and vanishes. 

I glance again at the reflection in the mirror, looking at the imperfect pieces that somehow fit together and pick out a few features that I actually like. After all, this body has carried me this far and has done some pretty kickass things. I'm thinking if I treat it right, it will continue to do so. 

I'm not quite there--seeing myself as a wondrous piece of art--but, I like that my path may just lead me there someday.